Today is my dad’s three year death anniversary. I still feel the broken heart. I think of my dad and his lively personality and selfless heart and genuine smile, and I feel a broken heart. There are no words to describe this feeling, but all I know is that my heart is broken. It is so broken. I still miss my dad so much and I wish I knew how to cope with this feeling. Sometimes I cope by trying to keep myself so ridiculously busy so I just numb out the pain and sometimes I try so hard to feel my feelings and cry everything out. No matter what coping mechanism I use, I still feel my broken heart.
I feel my heart sink every single time I think about the pain my dad was in. I feel my heart sink every time I have the urge to call him (which has been quite frequent recently). I feel my heart sink knowing he won’t be there for the major life events. I feel my heart sink knowing that so many people go through this.
Three years later, my heart continues to sink and I continue to miss my best friend.
The last three years have flown by, but there are those days where I feel like everything is going by so slow and my grief is so deep and my pain is indescribable. Despite it all, I am still so proud of myself. In the last three years, I have accomplished so much for my academic and professional life, while learning so much about personal growth and my soul. I wish I could share all of it with my dad. Every single day when I’m walking to class, or work, or extracurriculars, I have this urge to call him. I keep staring at my phone secretly hoping I’ll see his name pop up calling me.
Although I take pride in the person I am today, there are so many days where I want to throw in the towel. Sometimes I am just so exhausted from…school, jobs, internships, and life.
Three years later, and I still need time to grieve. I still need time to digest all my life changes.
I hate to admit it, but much of my anger has yet to disappear. I have triggers that really set me off and I wish I could control it, but I cannot. Some of the smallest things make me so upset, or sad, or emotional. I am still pretty sensitive and I noticed as soon as my dad passed away, I became so sensitive, self-conscious and lost all of my self-esteem. Although my self-esteem is slowly but surely coming back, I am now struggling with aspects of life that I never used to struggle with.
Three years later, and I am trying to find the self-esteem that was lost.
Three years later and I am still grieving. Like I have written about before, grief doesn’t get easier but you get stronger. In the grand scheme of things, three years really isn’t that long. I take full pride in the person I am today. I am still as motivated and driven to constantly give back to the cancer community. At the end of the day, I am so happy with who I am, the people in my life, and how everything has panned out. Days like today push me to do some extra reflection and I am just so thankful!
Three years later, I still feel the broken heart, but I continue to grieve in a healthy way and progressively move forward with the amazing life I was blessed with.
Today I had a picnic in SF and thought only the happiest thoughts about my dad.