Loving with a Broken Heart

After losing a parent (or anyone special to your heart) they take a piece of your heart to heaven. My first heartbreak was my dad. Going through such heavy grief, you can feel your heart physically break. With such adversity, it becomes extremely difficult to continuously open your heart. Your wounds get deeper with each opening. Over the years of coping with my father’s death, I have realized that my grief would (and still does) overflow into other aspects of my life. Time after time, the aspect would be my love life. It is so important to love yourself, be vulnerable, be honest, and know your worth when you are ready to open your heart romantically after such grief.

Love Yourself

Love yourself so, so, so hard. Tell yourself everyday that you are beautiful, strong, and worth of love because you are. This is the most important! Self love and care isn’t always glamorous with face masks, baths, and candles. Self care is also being super honest with yourself and digging into your emotions to make yourself the best version of yourself. Dig into yourself and love yourself!

Be Vulnerable

I am a firm believer that vulnerability is strength. That is why I even started this blog. When it comes to your love life, it is natural to feel more closed off. You have already gone through so much pain and I understand it’s harder to open your heart again. And if it doesn’t work out, I promise your heart will be okay. You have already gone through some of the worst and most traumatic emotional pain. Being vulnerable is also being hopeful and allowing your heart to love deeply and fully.

Be Honest

Not only is it important to be honest with your partner about your struggles, but be honest with yourself. Grief is an everlasting journey that continues to flow with life. Healing yourself and being honest about your healing is so important. Healing is also a journey, so be patient with yourself and compassionate towards yourself. Have faith that you are doing your best. Be honest with your feelings with yourself and your partner. It might be something as simple as letting your partner know you would appreciate extra support on your parent’s birthday, death anniversary, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc. — or maybe it means planning a few distractions together. Whatever it might be, be honest and be communicative about your needs.

Know Your Worth

Know that you are whole, loved, appreciated, and independent with or without a partner. I still have yet to come to a conclusion on why I felt so worthless after I lost my dad, but I did. I struggled a lot with my self worth during the initial years of my grief. It took me many personal, professional, and romantic hardships to realize my worth. For me, it took so much work but it is vital and I am so thankful for each hardship and the lessons I learned along the way.

The most important relationship is the relationship with yourself. Through everlasting grief, the relationship with ourselves almost becomes one of the hardest. Love yourself, be vulnerable, be honest, and know your worth. Follow happiness and count your blessings.

Another Year…Another Birthday

Dear Dad,

Happy birthday! Today is one of my favorite days of the years because I get to celebrate you and cherish how amazing you were, as well as all of the special memories I have. I miss you each day and I miss you as much as when you initially left our lives…but I have learned how to cope with you being gone. I have learned how to accept this new life without you. I sometimes feel your presence and when I do, it’s the best feeling. I know you are looking down on me and guiding me through life. I never thought I would still learn so many lessons from you years after you left. You somehow continue to teach me and remind me of the importance of having empathy, showing kindness always, being incredibly generous, and living a happy and fulfilled life. Through the years, there have been days I was just trying to survive. The thought of your strength, energy, and love for life paired with the many lessons you taught me are what got me through the toughest days — and continue to.

Thank you so much for always being my guardian angel and shining light through and through. I love you so much and miss you even more. Thank you for everything; cheers to you and your beautiful soul.

With Loads of Love,

Your Lulu

Happy 60th <3

Dear Dad,

Happy 60th birthday. I can still hear your laugh in my head and feel your tight hugs. I still miss you as much as I have since you have left. I still pray for your peace and all of your loved one’s peace. I used to think that if I did everything right to grieve I wouldn’t feel pain anymore. I thought by going to therapy, journaling, practicing a lot of yoga, getting my yoga certification to teach, etc. would lead me to peace, but I recently and finally realized that I will always feel this pain — and it should never be discounted.

I think of you every single day. I would do anything for even one more day. I love you with my whole heart, happy birthday. ❤

6 Years…A Few Thoughts

6 years…

Each time this day comes around, my heart breaks.

To dad:

When you took your last breath and when your heart stopped beating and went to heaven, a part of mine did too. I still crave your voice and laughter. I look up to the sky and can feel your presence. I also look up and pray you’re at peace and out of pain. My heart hurts and I miss you. I wish I could have you back for my selfish reasons.

I thank God every single day that I had you for 18 years. Nothing gets easier…we get stronger.


April 16th was the day my world fell apart and became a nightmare. May 13 was the day the nightmare became my reality.

A cancer death anniversary isn’t as monumental because the death is so slow and gruesome. For me, it’s the whole time around the death anniversary that is hard and the flashbacks to the hospice days. Hospice kills the caretakers. I have gratitude for the time I had with my dad and try to see the light in all situations, but it still hurts.

6 years later…

Camp Kesem: Alumni Round One

For the last 4 years, my summer has always kicked off with a week at Camp Kesem, a non-profit that supports kids through and beyond a parent’s cancer. My summers went from playing with kids during the day and talking about cancer when the sun went down to having a 10ish week internship at a corporation. This year, as a college graduate and full-time employee, I had the experience to visit camp for one day on what is known as, ‘Visitor’s Day’.

While driving through the redwood trees and turning to see the campsite, my heart started to smile. I was lucky enough to drive up to the campsite with a dear friend and fellow alumni. We were both beaming to finally be reunited with some of our best friends/counselors and our campers. I spent the day with most of my campers from previous years. I was also able to sit in their Parent Memorial ceremony, which was surreal because I always planned it the previous years. Parent Memorial is a time where the kids can talk about their parent who lost their battle to cancer, share their favorite memories, and any feelings. It was such a special moment. Following the ceremony, I continued the discussion with a few teen campers and counselors. We had a such a great talk — a talk that rejuvenated me, let me get in touch with my feelings, and most importantly gave me an opportunity to be emotionally available for others suffering from the loss of their parent. The day continued with more camper and counselor bonding. My visit was short due to the obligation of having a full day’s work the following day.

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My heart is still so happy and full from my visit. I am so happy I had amazing and heartfelt conversations with campers and counselors. It was a great escape from the everyday corporate life and an unforgettable opportunity to reconnect with my values and feelings of grief. Camp Kesem and the cancer community will always hold a special place in my heart. I am so thankful I still have experiences that allow me to be there for others while being there for myself. So many feelings came up that I didn’t even know I had. This taught me that I do need to step back from my busy life at times and to never my forget my cancer story. At the end of the day, it is something that heavily defines who I am, what my values are, and where I see myself in the future. I’m always so thankful for Camp Kesem and for it provides for the cancer community. To donate or learn more about Camp Kesem, visit: http://campkesem.org/.

 

Taking Care of Your Body: Use Clean Products

Being affected by cancer pushes you to take care of your body in every way. Since my life has been changed by cancer, I immediately started taking proactive and preventative measures to live a healthier lifestyle. Recently, I have been researching everything from gluten-free and soy-free recipes to toxin-free make up.

Your skin is your largest organ on your body — and it absorbs about 65% of what you put on it. It absorbs the hand soap you use, the sunscreen, the shampoo and conditioner, and all of the daily products that you rely on. And for us ladies, it absorbs all the chemicals in makeup. I recently made the switch to organic, paraben-free, non-toxic products and makeup. The insides of my body and now my outside feel great! I switched to organic body lotion, deodorant, makeup wipes, shampoo and conditioner, and many makeup products.

Let’s take a deeper dive into the harmful effects of makeup full of chemicals…The last regulation created by the government for cosmetics was 1938. Only 11 hazardous are banned in the US, while other countries ban thousands. What you put on your skin is something 100% in your control. Our digestive system can metabolize, but our skin cannot. Americans spend more on beauty products than education. The beauty industry made it so that women feel like they need these products to be ‘beautiful’. Here are some tips to avoid toxic makeup:

  1. You are beautiful, with or without excess products and makeup! Self-care and self-love will make you feel beautiful, naturally.
  2. Use toxin and paraben-free products! Purchase organic sunscreen and deodorant, too. The latter can cause serious health adversities, including cancer. Some of my favorite beauty brands are W3LL PEOPLE, Weleda, RMS Beauty, Honest Beauty, Juice Beauty, and Dr. Hauschka. Though these products may be pricier, the lack of chemicals, parabens, and toxins are 100% worth it. You cannot put a price on your health! Health is wealth.
  3. Read the labels! Any product can put ‘Organic’ or ‘Natural’ on labels if only a small percentage is natural and organic so the rest could be all chemicals and parabens. Avoid: parabens, PTFE (polytetrafluoroethylene), PFOA (perfluorooctanoic acid), polyacrylamide, acrylamide, styrene, phthalates, triclosan (which is classified as a pesticide), sodium lauryl sulfate, sodium laureth sulfate, formaldehyde, toluene (especially bad if you are pregnant), propylene glycol, diethanolamine (DEA), formaldehyde, triethanolamine, toluene, any synthetic coloring and dye, and fragrance.
  4. Everything in moderation! Of course, everything is okay in moderation. This is nothing to throw away all of your makeup over, this is something to be aware of. Everybody should be aware of what they put on and in their bodies. And once again, everything is okay in moderation.

Our skin is our largest organ that absorbs 65% of what we put on it and over time our bloodstream absorbs the chemicals and toxins. Taking preventative measures against cancer is important, especially after a loved one is taken from the disease. For further consultation about toxin and paraben-free products and makeup, please reach out to: samira.agarwal16@gmail.com. Happy healthy living!

Happy Birthday, Daddy: Part Five

Dear Dad,

When I close my eyes I can still imagine your big smile and hear your laugh. Your birthday is one of my favorite days of the year because it is the day I get to celebrate your life. To me, it’s finally not about mourning you — it’s about celebrating you. Since your diagnosis and death, all of my decisions have been made as you and mom being my number one priority. My decision on which college I went to, my major, my first job, etc. Now, I feel like I make decisions for ME. My chapter of graduating college and jumping into the working world was hard without you and still is. I had such a hard time adjusting to my first job and now I am taking a little turn in my career. I wish I could call you and ask your opinion and practice my interview skills with you. Thankfully your amazing friends have been helping me so much!

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Happy Birthday! This year, I feel like I am truly celebrating your life and not just grieving. I hope you are partying up in heaven, I know we are partying down here and celebrating you!

Love,

Your Lulu

 

Happy 2018!

Happy 2018! As I reflect back on 2017, it becomes evident that 2017 was definitely not my best year. I struggled in different ways — personally and professionally. 2017 also had a lot of transitions, which are inevitably hard for everyone. Through the various struggles, I also had some of my best moments! I realized a lot about my friendships and made amazing memories with the real ones. I accomplished a lot in terms of my philanthropic side towards the cancer community. I was able to bond more with my family friends and family members, which made my heart so incredibly warm. The professional side of my life is where I struggled the most. I always try to see the best in every situation, and this situation made me realize what I really want in my life and what I really want to prioritize. I have grown so much in 2017 and cannot wait to see what 2018 has in store for me! I am so glad everything happened the way it did because it gave me motivation for my 2018 goals:

  • I am going to focus on my real friends that bring out the best in me — I’m all about quality over quantity and strengthening the friendships I have, within my family too
  • Compassion is very important to me — I’m going to show myself compassion and stop being so hard on myself and put my happiness first
  • I plan on seeing the best in everyone and everything — I often jump to the worst conclusions possible. This may stem from the adversity I faced when losing my dad because now I think everything (and everyone) has a bad ending. I’m changing my mindset to seeing the best in everyone
  • In 2017 I fell in love with yoga and spin class and in 2018, I want to continue attending classes regularly and build my core strenth
  • Travel is something that I value, but it was so hard to fit it in and budget for it while being a student. This year, I want to try my best to see new parts of the world with the people I love the most

I cannot wait for 2018! Here are some highlights from 2017:

 

Camp Kesem: Round Four

During my four years of college, I dedicated a lot of my free time to Camp Kesem – a nonprofit organization that not only supports kids through and beyond their parent’s cancer, but builds character, empathy, and so much more in the college-student counselors. I met some of my best friends through the organization and made amazing memories. I truly built a foundation of support that acts like family. The people that make Kesem have personality traits that everyone dreams of and they all truly helped me become the best version of me.

Throughout the year, myself with the rest of the 90 or so volunteers would fundraise for the summer camp, plan the camp, engage the community, bond as a family and so much more. Then, the magical week came after the school year ended, where we would take hundreds of kids affected by their parent’s cancer to give them a week of fun every kid deserves and a safe space where they can talk about their adversity.

Being a summer camp counselor for Camp Kesem was always something I took pride in. I adore the people in the organization, stand by the mission, and strive to help those affected by cancer. This year volunteering as a counselor at Camp Kesem was my last. And this year, I truly feel that I left my heart at camp.

I have so so so many favorite memories from camp each year, but something special that always stays in my heart is our ceremony called ‘Empowerment’ where the counselors and campers go in a circle and say how we have all been affected by cancer. It’s always an emotional time where we cry so much that our eyes are swollen for at least two days. It’s one of those experiences where it is impossible to explain into words because it is that powerful.

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Even though this was my last year volunteering as a summer counselor, I know I will always be involved in Camp Kesem through different ways. To start, I’m serving on two universities’ Advisory Boards where I will be helping them find resources, networking, and giving them ideas on how to create the best support system for the kids!

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To find a camp close by to you: Find a Camp

To find volunteer opportunities: Get involved

To donate: Donate (donations are tax-deductible)

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A Letter to My Dad: Post Grad

Dear Dad,

I did it! I graduated from college! As this day approached, I have had a plethora of emotions, both negative and positive. Lately, I have been throwing fits about different aspects of my life — my friends, my family, my education, my future, etc. While you were battling cancer, one of your biggest concerns was my future… you told everyone that, and not because you were worried I wasn’t going to be successful, but because you knew you were my person. You made it very clear that you wanted your circle of family and friends to take care of me and look over me. I get it — all you knew dying was that I was going to college for the next 4 years or so. Every time I think about my graduation ceremony, I immediately tear up because I wish you were going to be there. During the times I am supposed to be the happiest, I always miss you the most.

I know you immigrated from India to this country with nothing in your pockets when you were my age so you could give your daughters a better life and a priceless education. In these last four years without you, I accomplished a lot. I failed a lot too. But, I’m almost more proud of my failures. I joined a sorority and served on the leadership board for it. I studied abroad in Paris, and it was the best investment I ever made in myself! I ate a lot of bread, drank a lot of wine, and walked everywhere in the city. I went to India a few times — almost to look for you, but I found myself. I volunteered countless hours to the cancer community and Camp Kesem and also served on the leadership board for them. I had a minimum wage making job throughout college to pay for my coffee and shoe addiction. I didn’t start off college with the best GPA, but I only improved and even made it on the dean’s honor list a few times. I had some internships in the finance industry and now I’m officially entering as an analyst at BlackRock!!! I met my goal of getting a competitive and intelligent job after college six months before graduating! I did a lot. I missed you a lot. I still miss you a lot. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I loved a lot. I hated a lot. I fell down. I made mistakes. I got back up. I fell some more. I grew and I did it. I thought I couldn’t do it without you. All the decisions I had to make, all the struggles I had to overcome, all the boys I had to let go of… I wanted to call you so badly. I wanted to ask you your opinion on what classes I should take. I wanted you to help me with my job applications and prepare me for the rigorous interviews. I wanted you to meet my boyfriends. I wanted to cry to you about the boys that broke my heart. I wanted you to see me go off to college. I wanted you to see me graduate. But, I still did it. I did it, Dad and I hope I’m making you proud.

Endless love,

Your Lulu

Congrats to all the 2017 graduates!

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Camp Kesem’s Make the Magic 2017

Throughout these last 4 years of coping with my father’s death to cancer, I have gained a passion for helping the cancer community out in any way I can. I am highly involved in an organization called Camp Kesem. Camp Kesem is a non-profit organization that supports kids through and beyond their parent’s cancer. I have been volunteering since my freshmen year of college, but I never really yearned for a leadership role in the position. My freshmen year I was really lost in myself. My sophomore and junior I was extremely focused on obtaining a career in the finance realm. The months approaching my senior year, I felt accomplished and ready to tackle something I have never tried before — event planning. I served on the leadership board to plan our gala event called Make the Magic. During this gala, we invite family, friends, community members, camper families to help us raise tens of thousands of dollars to fund our free summer camp for the kids. The event consists of a silent auction, a live dessert auction, a paddle raise, seated dinner, speeches, and more.

It took me about 9 months, hundreds of hours, an abundant amount of stress, and loads of tears to plan, but it was all worth it. I learned a lot about myself, including the type of stress I can handle, how much stress I can handle, the types of people I work well with, the types of people I do not work well with, and my true and honest passion for Camp Kesem. The event was beyond successful and there is nothing I would change. As a chapter, we raised a total of $78,957.94! I could not be more proud of myself and the chapter as a whole. I had an amazing team supporting me through every step of the way.

Apart from planning the event, I had the opportunity to speak about my story. Watch my speech. It was a heart-warming experience and I am so thankful for the opportunity.

Now I am weeks away from graduating and closing the chapter of my college education and opening the chapter of moving to a new city and starting a job as a wealth advisory analyst. Even though my time volunteering for Camp Kesem as a college student is ending, I have been accepted to advise Camp Kesem at a different chapter. I am so excited for the opportunity and for everything the future holds!

Some photos (Brady Nations Photography) from Make the Magic 2017:

Happy Birthday, Daddy: Part Four

Dear Dad,

Today is one of my favorite days — it’s my day to celebrate you! Happy birthday! Even though it’s been four years without you, you still hold the number one place in my heart. I think of you every single day, I strive to remember you when you were healthy, and I still love you with all of my heart. As I am growing up and maturing in new ways, I am realizing that you are the first person I ever fell in love with. You always made me feel safe, loved, and happy.

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I miss you more in April and May — everything reminds me of you and triggers some sort of feeling. I am currently in this transitional place in my life. In a few months, I will be graduating from college and entering the ‘real world’. I’m scared to keep moving on with my life without you by my side. In college, I felt some sense of security with adults watching over me and guiding me but as I enter adulthood, I hope I am making you proud. Happy birthday, dad — miss you more than anything.

Lots of Love,

Your Lulu

I Went to India Looking For My Dad…But Found Myself

Over the last 3.5 years or so without my dad in my life, I have visited India 3 times. My first trip to India was shortly after his passing, the point being to pay my respects to his immediate family – his mom, dad, and brother – and his enormous extended family. The following trip was solo. This was especially special to me because for the first time in my life, I traveled to different parts of India and truly bonded with my dad’s family. I also dove into learning more about my parent’s religion. My most recent trip was in December. I traveled through other parts of India again and thoroughly enjoyed every minute spent there. I adventured and dove into the culture to leave my comfort zone. I finally felt a sense of security and safety in what to me was once a foreign country.

Each trip, I made amazing memories and true connections with my family members – connections I never had living on the other side of the world away from most of my family. Each trip, I went almost looking for my dad and looking for the answers to my thousands of questions. I wanted so desperately to find out why my dad left me. Although I will never get the answer to that question, I got so many more answers. I went to India to learn more about my dad, but I learned more about myself. Each trip led me to exponential growth. Each trip taught me more about myself. While looking for my dad in India and while getting lost, I found myself. 

Ever since my dad passed away, I have been looking for some sense of security. Losing a parent at the vulnerable age of 18 made me believe the world was insecure and evil. It made me insecure about myself as a whole and about my decisions regarding various things. Traveling abroad, especially to a country with generations of family, connections, and memories gave me that sense of security. I was born and raised in this country, but I find myself feeling homesick from India. I am so thankful for all of my experiences and my opportunities to travel. I cannot wait for my next trip and the new discoveries I make!

 

Here are some of my favorite pictures from my last trip:

What Another Death in my Dad’s Family Did to Me

In the last few months, I lost three grandparents. Within 8 days in August, I lost two of my grandparents (https://copingwithcancer.org/2016/10/24/what-losing-two-grandparents-within-8-days-after-losing-a-parent-taught-me/). Days before Thanksgiving, my other grandmother passed away – my dad’s mom. My dad’s mom was always the light of my life. I saw so much of my dad in her — their contagious smiles, their unconditional love for our family, and their warm and gentle hearts. After I found out she wasn’t doing too well and was admitted to the hospital, I immediately felt my heart sink. A few days later, she passed away. Initially, I felt numb and I felt like another part of my dad was gone. Of course, this isn’t true… but that is how I felt and still feel. I fully understand that at the age I am, grandparents are bound to naturally deteriorate and get sick. I also fully understand that this part of life. I wish I could have seen my dad’s parents one last time and get a few more favorite stories of my dad before they had to go. Although I feel so much heartbreak, I now know that I have three more guardian angels looking down at me, always and forever.

Happy #GivingTuesday!

Today is one of the best days of the year – #GivingTuesday. #GivingTuesday is worldwide philanthropic movement to push for donations after a materialistic weekend with Black Friday and Cyber Monday. As many know, I dedicate my free time to Camp Kesem. Camp Kesem is a non-profit organization that supports kids aged 6-16 years old through and beyond their parent’s cancer. There are over 3 million kids that have been touched by their parent’s cancer.

Camp Kesem is full of amazing, selfless, mature, and genuine volunteers that have all faced adversity and have a heart full of love ready to help these kids. I joined this organization my freshmen year of college (just months after losing my dad to cancer) and now as a senior in college, I reflect on my college career and I have no doubt that Camp Kesem saved my life. I met other college students and kids of all ages that understand me in ways others cannot. I have met some of my best friends through this organization and made amazing memories. Learn more about Camp Kesem: http://campkesem.org/

My chapter’s goal is to raise $15,000 on #GivingTuesday and $150,000 throughout this year. Please help me reach my goal to help these kids who have been affected by cancer by donating: https://donate.kesem.org/fundraise?fcid=787614

Until there’s a cure, there’s a camp. 

What Losing Two Grandparents within 8 Days (After Losing a Parent) Taught Me

Towards the end of the summer, while I was mentally preparing for my final year of college, I lost two grandparents within 8 days — my dad’s dad and my mom’s mom.

When I first found out my grandpa passed away, my immediate thought was that my dad has somebody there with him now. I told some family members and close friends about my immediate thought and all of them said something along the lines of, “Wow, that’s such a great way of looking at this.” I was able to digest both of my grandparent’s deaths much easier compared to my father’s death. Realistically, I will never be able to fully digest and grasp my father’s death because in my eyes it was an unfair, painful, and tragic death that he, nor my family, did not deserve. Of course losing anyone in your life is a tough battle that no one deserves. I was able to accept the fact that my grandparents lived a full, happy, and healthy life. Neither of their deaths happened to be too painful and I am so very thankful for that. Knowing my dad suffered and knowing he was in so much pain during the final months of his life will always kill me inside. Every single time I think about the pain he was in, I feel sick to my stomach and somehow blame myself.

Losing my father before two of my grandparents taught me even more about life. It taught me that everyone has their time to ‘go’; everyone has an expiration date in this life we live. I will always question sickness and death, but my life experiences have taught me how to deal with it. After I saw my mom lose my dad three years ago, and then lose her mom this last summer, I knew how to comfort her. I knew what she needed and I knew I had to support her and other members in our family, just like how all of my family members supported me (and still support me) through my dad’s death. I will always miss my grandparents but I know they are resting easy, and I feel so much comfort knowing my dad has some company now, too.

My Magical Week: Camp Kesem 2016

As many know, I dedicate all of my free time to an organization that supports kids who have been affected by a parent’s cancer, Camp Kesem. Camp Kesem has changed my life in so many positive ways. I have found mentors who I trust telling every detail in my life to and some of my best friends.

This year I was the unit leader for the teenage girls, aged 15-16 years. I feel so humbled and blessed to not only to get to know the girls that were in my unit, but also to be a mentor, friend, and role model to them.

 

I have an amazing and selfless support system, consisting of friends and family, who truly took care of me while my dad was sick and during his passing. My support system stopped their lives to take care of my mom, my sister, and myself. I know that I can still rely on them for whatever hurdles I have to overcome. My dad’s close friends and family are always so open to talking about my dad and about cancer when I need a therapeutic and valuable conversation to uplift any negative feelings.

After volunteering my time to Camp Kesem for the last three years, I have realized that not everyone has a support system like mine. This realization pushes me even more to dedicate my time, energy, and feelings to these kids who are in dire need of a support system, or someone to just listen to them vent about the adversity they face.

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Our camp advisor, Baloney, explains Camp Kesem as the revenge on cancer. When she told me that, it really stuck with me and now that is how I explain Kesem to others. Camp Kesem is a safe place for kids to have fun and be kids again, but more importantly a chance for them to talk about to about cancer and their feelings about the deadly disease.

I felt such a deep connection to the kids in my unit and to the new counselors that have joined the Kesem family! I remember when I was a freshman and sophomore, I would look up to the older counselors with the utmost respect (and continue to do so) and after growing up with Kesem, I finally feel like I am becoming a mentor to the new counselors. These post-camp feels make me rejuvenated with a happy heart! I am so beyond thankful for the experience and I cannot wait until next year!

Father’s Day… I Survived Another One

Happy Father’s Day to all the amazing, inspiring, strong fathers out there! I am so thankful for all of the father figures I have. Thankfully, the last two Father’s Days I have been volunteering at Camp Kesem so I was distracted from the pain of not having a dad to celebrate. Today I spent the day with my dad’s family at a winery. I had the perfect day and I am forever thankful for the support system I have. Of course, I wish I had my dad so I could celebrate him and his amazing soul, but I have so many father figures to celebrate. I would say the hardest part of Father’s Day is watching everyone post about their dad on social media. On days like this, it is best to stay off of social media and stay busy! Happy Father’s Day again to all the dads out there!

 

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My dad’s family and I celebrating Father’s Day at a winery!

 

 

Three Years Later: My Broken Heart

Today is my dad’s three year death anniversary. I still feel the broken heart. I think of my dad and his lively personality and selfless heart and genuine smile, and I feel a broken heart. There are no words to describe this feeling, but all I know is that my heart is broken. It is so broken. I still miss my dad so much and I wish I knew how to cope with this feeling. Sometimes I cope by trying to keep myself so ridiculously busy so I just numb out the pain and sometimes I try so hard to feel my feelings and cry everything out. No matter what coping mechanism I use, I still feel my broken heart.

I feel my heart sink every single time I think about the pain my dad was in. I feel my heart sink every time I have the urge to call him (which has been quite frequent recently). I feel my heart sink knowing he won’t be there for the major life events. I feel my heart sink knowing that so many people go through this.

Three years later, my heart continues to sink and I continue to miss my best friend.

The last three years have flown by, but there are those days where I feel like everything is going by so slow and my grief is so deep and my pain is indescribable. Despite it all, I am still so proud of myself. In the last three years, I have accomplished so much for my academic and professional life, while learning so much about personal growth and my soul. I wish I could share all of it with my dad. Every single day when I’m walking to class, or work, or extracurriculars, I have this urge to call him. I keep staring at my phone secretly hoping I’ll see his name pop up calling me.

Although I take pride in the person I am today, there are so many days where I want to throw in the towel. Sometimes I am just so exhausted from…school, jobs, internships, and life.

Three years later, and I still need time to grieve. I still need time to digest all my life changes. 

I hate to admit it, but much of my anger has yet to disappear. I have triggers that really set me off and I wish I could control it, but I cannot. Some of the smallest things make me so upset, or sad, or emotional. I am still pretty sensitive and I noticed as soon as my dad passed away, I became so sensitive, self-conscious and lost all of my self-esteem. Although my self-esteem is slowly but surely coming back, I am now struggling with aspects of life that I never used to struggle with.

Three years later, and I am trying to find the self-esteem that was lost. 

Three years later and I am still grieving. Like I have written about before, grief doesn’t get easier but you get stronger. In the grand scheme of things, three years really isn’t that long. I take full pride in the person I am today. I am still as motivated and driven to constantly give back to the cancer community. At the end of the day, I am so happy with who I am, the people in my life, and how everything has panned out. Days like today push me to do some extra reflection and I am just so thankful!

Three years later, I still feel the broken heart, but I continue to grieve in a healthy way and progressively move forward with the amazing life I was blessed with. 

 
Today I had a picnic in SF and thought only the happiest thoughts about my dad.  

DNR: It’s Not Just a Form

DNR – It stands for Do Not Resuscitate. The DNR was created to help patients during terminal illness and it basically declines the patients of life-saving measures. I watched my mom sign this form the day my dad was admitted to hospice care and didn’t really understand it, but also didn’t have the energy to ask any questions about it.

Only later during the minutes of my father’s death, I understood what my dad told my mom to sign. It took my awhile to comprehend why my dad made this decision (and why mom supported it), and now I see how selfish I was being. I wanted my dad to live longer, but he was in so much excruciating pain. Of course he didn’t want to be living in more pain and now that I understand that and the point of a DNR, I feel much more at peace.

 

Signing a DNR is a patient’s choice. My recommendation is to support your parent or loved one in whatever decision they make. The sooner you realize the point of a DNR and where your parent/loved one stands on it, the situation becomes easier to cope with and the death becomes more peaceful.